The ship has sailed...but am I on it?

The sad truth is that I did what I wanted to do...and now I can't seem to act on it.  I quit my job.  I took the summer off to relax and travel and decompress from said job.  And I promised myself that I would start writing - that which I had dreams of doing...writing a novel... - on September 1st.  This would have been the same date(ish) that I would have been going back to work.  And I tried.  Sort of.  I'd be lying if I said I really tried.  I made schedules, I cleaned off my desk, I set up pegboards.  Then I make character charts and story outlines and highlighted and made lists of the steps that I would need to take to accomplish my goal.  I even set due dates.

And then I didn't follow them.  At first I started to.  But then I didn't anymore.  I'm avoiding.  Netflix and my girlfrind have become my favorite (and guilty) distractions.

Am I feeling crushed under the weight of the enormity of the task that I have set for myself?
Am I feeling guilty for not working?
Am I feeling worthless and depressed and confused about why?

Yes, yes, yes and yes.  And looking back at my previous post, I've officially been depressed for at least three and a half months.  I'm worried.
Aside from the obvious need to kick my own ass and get up off the couch and start writing, what the hell am I going to do?

Summertime

So, I quit my job.  I've been out of school for 2 weeks.  I turned 28.  I have a girlfriend.  The cats are all crazy needy.   And I am a crazy cat lady.

I told myself that I would take my summer break...go on vacation, do all of the things around the house that have been on my list for almost 2 years now, do a lot of aerial work, and just relax.  Then I would start writing in September.

But now I feel depressed, lethargic, apathetic.  I feel like I'm also putting writing off, but I'm not motivated to start.

The plan:  go for a walk every morning.  Start cooking more.  Do the things on my list.  Take my vacations.  Find what makes me happy.

Easy.

I'm in Whistler

...on vacation.  Skiing, writing (((((this is a great test-drive for if I could really quit my job to write...what if I have no talent?  Would it really matter?  If I took the time off to write and it didn't work out, I'd still be okay, right?  I'd find something else to do?  Even if I stay in teaching, I'm not happy, so I'd just be spending more time teaching, getting more experiences, toward...something that doesn't make me happy?)))))), and also...I'm away from someone that i'm falling madly, deeply, crazy in love with.  Which IS crazy, because we've been on like...5 dates.  Jesus, I've got it bad.  I miss the hell out of her.

I'm in love.  And it's wonderful.  But I'm not sure if that's okay if I don't like my job.  Sigh.

The Way It Is ~ by William Stafford

Where's a thread you follow.  It goes among
things that change.  But it doesn't change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it, you can't get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you can do can stop time's unfolding.
You don't ever let go of the thread.

In the words of my colleague Emily:  What is your thread?  What are you holding onto?

Moxie

I've decided that I want to bring back the word "Moxie."  Backbone - Fortitude - Determination.  She's got a lot of moxie - that's what makes her so damn attractive.  That lawyer's got a lot of moxie for standing up to the opposition in that way.  Her moxie......

You get the point.  Although I'm not quite sure how to do it - and I'm fairly certain it souldn't be used to describe men.  What a tricky renaissance.  ;)

Found Poem from HSPE Proctor Boredom

EMBERS
Found Poetry - Quote-on-Stewart's-Wall Inspired

Individually, together, we are
-a reader
-a leader
Taste life, love breathing,
do what you are afraid to do.

Set yourself on fire
-clever?
-wise?
Let your failures teach you--
Excellence is an attitude.


Challenge convictions
-obstacles
-oceans
Discomfort of thought,
power of the mind.

Successful people
-confidence
-combustion
Fire through the smoke--
You can - you are right.

Inaugural Post

I hope to make this a chronicle of my journey.  I know where I want to go.  Let's see if I get there.

Where I'm at right now:
1. I want to join a writer's circle.  I went to "Cheap wine and poetry" on Thursday night at the Richard Hugo House, and although I have never really been inspired by poetry, I left feeling wild and inspired to actually start writing and also to surround myself with people who are a bit too artistic for their own good.
2. I want to quit my job and devote myself to reading books, writing books and screenplays (or, I guess, finishing the ones I have started), and continuing to learn aerial silks.
3.  I am terrified of dropping yet another career to pursue something that will most likely make me no money whatsoever....and will absolutely make me no money or provide me with health insurance in the short term.
4.  I am just this year finally dealing with the accidental death of both of my parents.  It only took 8 years.
5.  I got my heart broken for the first time last year; and interestingly enough, it was more broken because of my disappointment in myself for dating the person and not seeing who they really were...as well as the disappointment in myself for staying with them for so long...and not so much because of what I hear most people are heartbroken about (loss of someone they love madly, disappointment in self for losing the other person, etc).
6.  I love snow.
7.  My best friend in high school used to tell me that I purred in my sleep.  I have no idea if that's really true...it's been many, many years and no one else who has shared my bed has ever told me the same.
8. I wish I made time to read the newspaper.